I wish I could write about how wonderful the first year and a half of my sons life was, but honestly it was full of confusion, long hours working, and finding myself, so that I could be the mom he deserved.
When I found out that I was pregnant it took me a day or so for it to sink in. You see, I wasn’t really in the best position to have a baby.
Previously I had been in a three year relationship. He was my high school sweetheart. In the summer of 2006, a year after graduation. I suddenly ended things with him, wanting something more. My biggest down fall was at the time, I seemed to be incapable of being single. Mostly because I had never dated. Yes I went out on dates, but after being with the same person for so long at a young age, you miss the whole dating experience.
The next two months were supposed to be the time of my life. It was summer, I was 20 years old, and I was single. It didn’t take but a few days and I felt like I needed to make a bold move so that I wouldn’t return to my ex. I tried to have meaningless ,between the sheets, kind of fun with a coworker. It only took me 2.5 seconds to realize that I don’t do meaningless. Needless to say I was now in another relationship. Only this time, I hardly new the guy.
What I did know about him wasn’t much, Name, Age, Father Issues, No Current Address. The sort of things that should send a girl running for the hills, but I was tired of being cautious. I didn’t want to do the right thing, I just wanted to have some fun. Little did I know that his idea of fun was going to the same bar night after night drinking the same drink and blowing his pay check.
Even when I did realize what was happening I let myself think that I was going to somehow save him. I was going to be the reason he stopped drinking. I was going to be the reason he wanted a place of his own. It wasn’t until I wrecked my car and became dependent on my moms help that I started to realize that I was headed in a direction that I did not want to be. I ended it. However we still worked together, so we still saw each other every day. We both seemed to be fine with what had happened and moving on.
That was until I got back with my ex. Then he was a little bitter and didn’t speak to me. I didn’t intend to talk with my ex again, but we were both at a mutual friends going away party and it just felt familiar.
It had only been a week my ex and I were back together when I felt sick. So sick. I spent an entire day on my moms couch feeling like death. Then it hit me… could I be pregnant?!
I cannot explain all that went through my mind. It was happening so fast. Before I even let it process I called my cousin Susie and told her everything. She calmed me down and then asked “What are you going to do?”.
What was I going to do? I was forking pregnant. I did the math… I was pregnant with my coworkers child.
He wasn’t a bad guy, he was never mean to me, and he actually loved me. At least I think he did. But he was 29 years old, with a dead end job and a cocaine addiction. Maybe this was what he needed to help him get on the right path. He was going to be a father after all and he didn’t even know it yet.
Then there was my ex, it had only been a week since we got back together. Surely he would end things with this news. What man in his right mind would want to be with someone who was having someone else’s baby.
I had to tell them both. Right away. They deserved to know. My coworker didn’t have an address of his own, or a cell phone for that matter and I wasn’t scheduled to work for another three days. So I did the only other thing I could think of and wrote him an email. I then spoke to my ex face to face.
With my ex I just blurted it out plan and simple. “ I’m pregnant, pretty sure its not yours. I don’t know what to do.” This is when you would expect him to run for the door, but he didn’t. He put his arms out, and he hugged me. I started to cry and tell him how sorry I was for ruining what we had, and he kept telling me that it would be okay and he loved me.
When I went back to work my stomach was in knots, but not from the baby. My coworker and I went to the back so we could talk. He asked me if I was sure it was his, and I was, and then….. he too, hugged me. He told me everything would be fine and that we would figure it out together.
I told them both that I needed time to think. I cried for two days. I wanted so much for this to be the happiest moment in my life, but I couldn’t see past the immediate problem. Who did I want to raise my child with?
I tried to weed out all the negative and only focus on the positive for both of them. I had a plan. One week. I needed one week to process what was happening before I made any life changing decisions. On day two, I knew what I wanted. I knew I was going to tell my ex that it was over for good this time. I also knew I needed to finish out the week before I told either of them. But I never got that chance. I honestly didn’t get to think much about it when my decision was made for me.
My coworker asked me if I would come see him so we would talk about the future, and I agreed. He told me that he loved me, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He said he was so excited to be having a baby with me. And then before I could even respond he dropped a bomb. He went on to tell me that he was done waiting for me, and that he would not “fight for me”. I was either going to marry him and raise a baby with him, or he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby.
Nothing to do with us. It was that easy. He told me everything I needed to know.
As confused as I was I did at least know one thing about myself. I don’t do ultimatums. This was not a black and white situation, but for him it was all or nothing. So I chose nothing.
My ex (who will now be referred to as J) and I made it official and told our friends and family. We were back together, and we were having a baby. I convinced myself that this was the best thing for me, and my unborn child.
Over the next five months we had moved back in together, and started settling into a normal life again. Everyone knew the baby wasn’t his, and it was hard at times to look past the stares. But this is what we both wanted and no one was going to change our minds.
We had been living in a 3 bedroom trailer that was in a crappy trailer park and not really where I wanted to have a baby. So at the end of my pregnancy I moved back in with my mom as a transition to us getting an apartment.
The day my son was born didn’t all go according to plan but it was a special day.
J left the hospital after I was in the clear and told me he would be right back within the hour. Just as I was about to be wheeled to my new room he had gotten back and had a teddy bear in his hands.
He put it in my lap, told me how much he loved me, and how amazing he thought I was. When I looked at the bear I saw it was holding a little box. My eyes lit up with joy as I thought he was about to propose to me. When I opened it and saw the beautiful necklace inside I had to close my eyes to hide the disappointment.
I knew then that things were over, even though I tried to hold on for so long. The relationship J and I once had was officially over. He gave it an honest try the first few months, but between Ryan being sick and in the hospital for the forget few weeks, and the long nights with a screaming baby, he eventually moved out. After that I tried so hard to hold onto what we once had, but I knew in my heart that it would never be the same. Around Ryan’s first birthday, maybe it was soon after, I finally quit trying. I made the decision to go back to school, and told myself that it was time I moved on.
H.M. Stoner Ink And Image 
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